


The verge of light and darkness is you

by Infante_terrible



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Afterlife, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Canonical Character Death, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Infinity Gems, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Near Death Experiences, Parent Frigga (Marvel), Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Canon, Post-War, Protective Frigga (Marvel), Sad and Happy, heaven for Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 12:41:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18894862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infante_terrible/pseuds/Infante_terrible
Summary: Loki dies in the hands of Thanos, but Valhalla never appeared before him... What if, after death, the tired gods do not end up in the halls of their ancestors, but in the usual American province? The afterlife world seems to be simple and clear, and Loki is prepared to the most important and valuable meeting in his life.





	The verge of light and darkness is you

**Author's Note:**

> After Loki's death in "Infinity war" I honestly was waiting to some redemption, waygoing scenes in "Avengers: Endgame". But we saw nothing, and it actually broke my heart, because Loki deserved his salvation, and it was so unfair to leave him even without some deep emotional farewell. So, I desided to write such episode by myself. Hope you would like it.

It’s often said, that in death all your entire life goes by, flashing like a movie shots before your eyes. Memories, faces, childhood, adolescence, light at the end of the tunnel... Complete nonsense. The only thing that Loki felt in the deadly embrace, when Thanos inexorably squeezed life out of him, was annoyance. “Stupidly done,” flashed somewhere in the back of a fading consciousness. Thor, Heimdall, remnants of asgardians... Most likely, they were waiting for another trick until the very last moment.  Shifty and cunning god of deception and mischief, he just could not leave like this. How many times Loki deceived, cheated, faked his death, planning in advance, having a clear plan of action - but right now Loki was extremely honest. Pulling a cube to Thanos, he was not a trickster. He had no plan. All he wanted was to stop this absurdity and save the life of Thor, this ungrateful pompous idiot. One of the few whom Loki loved.

“I am Loki. Prince of Asgard. Rightful king of Jotunheim. Odinson”. The phrase was spinning in his mind, as if in fast forward. Giving a tesseract, he understood clearly, that his simple trick with disguise of daggers and fake recognition of Thanos power was a suicide.

Thanos was clever - perhaps more than many creatures in the nine realms, according to Loki’s experience. If Loki really wanted to deceive him, he would have done it differently. He did not want to deceive anyone, he was bored.

Titan was neither a fool nor a liar. In his insane perception of universal justice he destroyed civilizations, and oddly enough, was responsible for his words. Thanos promised to save Thor life in exchange for the stone, and Loki knew that he would keep his word. He also knew that he would not leave both of them alive - it was clear from the very beginning, but if Thor was just an enemy, a bug in the path of a mad titan, then Loki… Thanos had special attitude to Loki. The trickster changed sides to often, pursuing his own goals, and now here it is - the moment of choice. Annoying, stupid, but inevitable.

A heavy giant hand closed on his throat with a death grip. From the powerful god  Loki turned into a rag doll, helplessly dangling between heaven and earth.

“You will never be a god,” he whispered hoarsely, looking with hatred through the purple veil of pain. Thanos indifferently chuckled and clenched his fist.

*******

Mortals. Throughout all their short lives they are talking about some kind of a tunnel, that leads to the light. They believe in it with such desperate faith, as if this mystical vision could become a salvation. Blindly believing  in divine miracles, they tried to avoid any talk of death – oh, midgardians were perfect in it. Loki was a god and didn’t believe in miracles, except those he could create with his own hands.

No light, no tunnel. Only pitch black darkness filled with absolute silence. Loki felt like part of an immense, blindingly black abyss with no end to the edge. His soul was squeezed out to the last drop, even without any place for pain. If this is a posthumous fate, then he would prefer to have no fate at all. He would prefer to disappear, dissolve, disintegrating into atoms, become part of the star dust, but don’t float for eternity in this ocean of darkness. There was no place for either life and death, nor for the breath, nor for the flesh. The remnants of consciousness seemed to exist by themselves, in fragmentary memories, overflowing the infinite space of nonexistence, and seemed more like a punishment than a blessing. He did not know how long he had floated in the dark - if it was possible to talk about time at all. Timeless emptiness surrounded him, shrouded in thick black veil, and the only support was his own name. Loki. Loki Odinson. Loki Lafeyson. He did not know why, but was sure that the name should not dissolve in the black abyss, and tried to preserve it, by all means.

Loki. Damn, even in non-existence he is Loki. Loki from Asgard. The darkness began to dissipate. Uneven outlines of some landscape slowly appeared through a thick fog. He began to feel his body again, arms and legs were tingling, he had no idea what was going on, but it seemed that the ability to move was returning. Loki's new-found vision peered into the lightening fog, expecting to see the golden gates of Valhalla. At last, he died in the fight, and if the legends told the truth, a little more - and he will meet beautiful Valkyries, Heidrun honey streams and great feasts in the famed heavenly hall. However, he admitted that it was probably Hel... However, Loki did not see either one or the other. When the wraith cleared, he found himself standing in a loss on a deserted country road. The simple terrestrial landscape had nothing in common with the heavenly palace — just road, fields, low hills in the distance. Wreck of a rusty van on the sidelines. He squinted at the traffic sign nearby. "Welcome to Massachusetts."

Dying to get into Massachusetts. It did not fit with any idea of death, even the most absurd. Loki walked forward – he saw a visible silhouette of the old gas station. No buildings were visible in the district, except of it, and nothing reminded of the human presence. Looks like this place was empty for a long time. The complete silence that reigned here was different from the silent, transcendental emptiness. This silence was alive, filled with the rustling of grass, the chatter of some unknown insects, the sound of a warm wind blowing over the face.

Loki pushed the door and walked in, absently ran his hand across the dusty counter and went to the mirror. The dull, cracked glass reflected a pale face framed by disheveled coal-black hair. He automatically touched his neck and felt no pain. There were no scratches, no bruises, no trace of the suffocating embrace. Peering into the mirror with a mixture of surprise and indifference, he found that not only bruises and wounds disappeared, but also his habitual attire. Loki abruptly lowered his eyes and looked at himself. Sneakers. Jeans. Emerald green sweatshirt with a hood. Where is leather, where is steel, where is his cloak, after all?

“And what should I do with it?”

No one answered, of course. He hardly recognized his own voice, but there was no doubt - contrary to common sense, he felt himself alive. Loki went outside, rising his face to the streams of gentle wind, looked around again, and resolutely turned off the road. Massachusetts – so, let it be Massachusetts. He went in unknown direction, until all the signs of civilization disappeared. The magic did not work, the sun was setting, the hills ahead remained as inconceivably distant as if he stood motionless all the time... Loki stopped. Road. Van. Gas station. What the heck?

Engine noise brought him out of a stupor

“Well, walked enough?” Friendly-looking unshaven man peered out of the cab of a rattling pickup truck. “Sit down, throw up.”

“What? I don’t understand…” Loki looked at him as if in front of him was a ship of the dead instead of an old truck.

“What don't you understand? Sit down come on. Go.”

“I thought there was no one here,” Loki came closer. 

“And there’s no one here,” the driver agreed and started the engine. “Except me. I am just catching people like you, take them to the city. Otherwise they stay here, poor fellows. Let’s go. In this place you will get stuck, like everyone else, and in the city you will find at least some company.”

Loki wasn’t sure that he needed a company. He wanted to understand what’s going on.

“In the city? What I would find here?”

He seemed surprised: “What do you want to find? Live yourself.”

“I seem to be dead,” snarled Loki.

“So what? Everybody is dead here. Do not try to surprise anyone – of course, if you don’t want to be considered as bizzare”.

Some part of the road passed in silence. Finally Loki turned to his strange companion.

“This place, which we just left. Road, where you picked me up. What the hell is going on here?”

Driver chuckled. “Nothing is going on here. Something was going on earlier, before you appeared here, but it doesn’t matter already. This road seems to be some kind of a transfer station. I don’t know exactly – it always was here, it existed before me and would exist after me. The fact is everybody gets here. You still keep up pretty well. I've seen enough - someone goes into hysterics, someone runs around in circles, looking for a way out. Never found, of course”.

 “I noticed,” Loki squinted. “Impressed”.

“It’s not easy for newcomers. This world does not exist for them, and it takes time to overcome this feeling,” man sighed. “You can leave this road yourself just if you believe in its reality”.

“Reality of Massachusetts? And who gets here, nobody except Americans?” Loki quipped. “I am an Asgardian, where is Valhalla? Where are the beauties in silver armor?”

“How do I know? You ask strange questions, and I have no answers,” the man looked at him strangely and returned to the road.

Loki remembered some amazing myths of Midgard. Mortal world always was interesting for him, and local fairy tales and legends seemed to be a good fun, when he had to pass the time. He snorted.

“Tell me your name is Charon, and I won’t be surprised. Although this... car, if I may call it so, is not very similar to the rook.”

“Who is Charon?” The driver stared at him as if he was insane. “My name is Jack.”

“And mine is Loki.”

Loki sighed and turned to the window. America was waiting him beyond the grave. What an absurdity.

“You are strange, and your name is strange,” Jack said, looking into the distance. “However, I saw many strange people... Get out, here is your city. Find a place to stay and calm down.”

“Am I nervous?” Ex-god of deception raised an eyebrow.

“All of you are nervous. Although it's time to stop,” answered Jack with a shruggle.

Loki jumped to the ground and looked around. This place seemed empty, but inhabited. Invisible presence of people could be felt everywhere - in well-groomed streets, front gardens, freshly baked aromas wafting from some invisible bakeries. He turned around. Jack was about to leave.

“Hey, wait. Tell me at least, where you dragged me? What’s the name of the city?”

“Just City. Does it even need a name?”

Jack raised his hand in farewell, and in the next moment his truck sped off into the distance, raising dust.

*******

  
Loki walked through the streets, looking at the windows and doors, at the shops, coffee houses and parked cars. Sometimes he saw a few people - thoughtful, immersed in themselves. Someone smiled, someone frowned with concern. Two old women, quietly talking, drank coffee on the open balcony of a low-rise apartment building. They noticed him, kindly waved and returned to the conversation, as if no one existed around. The city was strange, but fine.

At last legs brought him to the refined patterned gate of a large park. The setting sun got through the foliage, painting white gravel paths and wooden benches with curved backs in warm pink color. Almost all benches were empty, except for a one. Some woman sat before a motionless mirror surface of a small pond. Loki noticed her from the back and suddenly felt an inexplicable mixture of anxiety and sadness.

“I waited for you to come. Your flair never failed you,” she said without turning around.

He would recognize this voice from thousands of sounds throughout the whole universe. On the weak legs Loki came closer. Frigga sat serenely on a bench and watched the sunset. Radiant eyes were smiling. Nothing reminded of her royal title – supreme queen of Asgard was dressed like all local women. Simple elegant dress, summer coat, neatly braided hair.

“Mom,” said Loki with a quivering voice.

“Sit down, sit down,” she diligently patted the plank seat. “Nice place, isn’t it? Anyway, I see that you are confused and disarrayed, as always.”

“Mom,” he repeated helplessly, losing any ability to speak. Loki extended a hand with a sinking heart, afraid to believe that it was not an illusion in front of him, not a hologram – such as when mother secretly visited him in prison. It was unbearably frightfully, that the vision would dissipate in a greenish mist, as in those days, but Frigga did not disappear. His eyes became wet, filling with uninvited tears.

“My poor Loki,” she sighed. “When will you finally find peace? Already it is time, dear. Come here.”

She stretched out her arms and hugged him. Loki buried his face in mother's shoulder and again felt himself small and defenseless, as if neither the day had passed since old childhood moments, when she consoled him after father's punishments and quarrels with his brother. Of course he was no longer a frightened baby with a sensitive imagination, he learned to control, cheat, provoke, mislead, terrify, but now it wasn’t important. Tears flowed out of control, as for all previous centuries, when he successfully learned how to hide his pain.

Frigga gently stroked long black hair.

“All is well, my dear. It's over now.”

“Forgive me,” he whispered. “Will you ever forgive me?”

“For what, dear?” Frigga was surprised.

“I could not protect you. I had to! Damned dungeon, where I was locked ... Malekith ..”

Mother abruptly interrupted him. “Stop it. I don't want to hear it anyway.”

“Our last conversation,” he paused, swallowed tears and continiued. “You came to me with books, remember? I said that you are not my mother. Will you ever forgive me?”

“Loki, honey,” Frigga laughed and stroked him again like a child. “I see further than many, many other human and inhuman beings. You really think that I didn’t see right through you? Your confusion, resentment, anger, hatred for father, Thor, for yourself – it layed before me at a glance. Your soul never knew any peace. You hid your love from yourself, hid it so deeply that sometimes you could not find it. It was always inside you, Loki. That is why you are here. You have nothing to apologize for.”

Loki barely kept a wave of desperate anger.

\- I could not protect anyone. I gave him a Tesseract. Thanos probably won, this psycho with delusions of grandeur... What can Thor do, even if he is alive? Asgard no longer exists. Heimdall is dead. By the way, he is also here?”

“No, Heimdall is not here,” said Frigga thoughtfully, looking at the light ripples on the surface of the pond. “He has a special relationship with space and time. He went into some other dimension. Maybe became time himself. No one knows. It’s on the knees of the gods.”

Loki closed his eyes. “Then why we are here, what are we doing in Connecticut?”

“I don't know,” mother smiled. “I can't know everything. The universe is a strange creature with its own quirks. Perhaps it’s time for us to be ordinary people. Gods get tired of being gods, my son. You have always suffered from the fact that you could not find peace with those who surrounded you, but in reality all you needed was to find peace with yourself. You never lived in peace and silence. This world is your reward.”

“No magic, jeans and the United States,” Loki chuckled. “Sounds amazing.”

“Why not?” Frigga shrugged. “Why not ... Stop worrying, Loki. Just look at this sunset. It’s so marvelous.”

Mother hugged his shoulders. Loki put his head on her shoulder. Soul slowly filled his soul. Suddenly he opened eyes, interrupted by a sudden thought.

“Father, of course, is not here?”

“You're right,” Frigga carefully looked into his eyes. “You called him a father”.

Loki didn’t answer. Conversation with Thanos again flashed through his memories. "Odinson" ... Frigga, as always, read his thoughts.

“You're Odinson, honey. And you always was. You felt like a stranger, rejected, neglected - as if you had no place either in Niflheim or in Asgard. But you are worthy, and it did not need to be proved.”

Loki bristled slightly.

“Father and Thor would not agree with you.”

“Odin loved you,” calmly said Frigga, embracing him. “I did not approve some of his decisions, he made many mistakes, but you always were his son. And Thor... You were always brothers, and don’t lie to yourself - you never doubted it. When you fought Malekith, and threw yourself under the sword to help Thor and Jane, you were much more than just a member of the family. Even much more than a brother.”

“How did you know? After all, you ..” Loki was hesitated.

She laughed sparkly.

“Don't even ask. Do you think I left completely? I saw all of you. We both died for the sake of others. To help Thor, to save the stones. To stay true and honest to ourselves”

“Thor has always been Odin's beloved son.”

Frigga did not object.

“Maybe. But I never had any beloved son. I had both of you. So different, like water and flame. Thor always was like a firestorm. You - like a stream of water, unpredictable, flexible, stubborn. Your sharp mind and his ambitiousness ... Oh, all this rivalry, your anger and his recklessness. You both could get out and understand how close you really were. But you understood it better than others, when you sacrificed yourself for his sake. More than once,” Frigga gently wiped wet traces from his face. “I'm proud of you, honey. You need to rest. When did you sleep last time?”

“Recently fell asleep forever,” smiled Loki.

She waved a hand.

“What is death in essence? We simply move away from one incomprehensible dimension to another, and continue to be. Just be, Loki. Everything is no longer important, this is already not your war, not your pain. Although of course I can’t deny, my soul hurts for your brother. He has many challenges and heavy choices ahead, and alas, not everything he can stand with dignity.”

“Didn't we lose? We lost Asgard,” Loki chuckled bitterly. “Anyone we were able to save with Thor was destroyed by Thanos. It was a slaughter, mother. I'm glad you didn't see it.”

“I saw a lot of wars and genocides,” Frigga said calmly. “Believe me, I can imagine. But no, Loki, we did not lose. Everything flows in the universe. Asgard has ceased to exist in that reality, and now it exists in some another - just like us. Nothing disappears without a trace. Even reduced to atoms, scattered in space, it becomes part of something biggest. Everybody has its own reward after death, but it’s never like a non-being. My reward is in peace. And beautiful sunsets… Massachusetts is a good place to pass the eternity, unless it comes the time to go somewhere else. You just hadn’t enough time to enjoy the local sunsets, sunrises, flower fields, lighthouses... The road near the gas station is not the most picturesque place.”

“If we talk about rewards, although I don’t believe in them too much, it’s you,” Loki quetly put a hand on her palm. “When I was in prison, Thor didn't even tell me how you died.”

“And is it important?”

“You didn't deserve it.”

“You are still so stubborn, dear,” she smiled. “Drop it. Life and death are not something to be earned or deserved. Stop blaming yourself, don’t multiply the pain, you already got it full. When you were born, when you grew up, when you found out about your nature, when you left your world in death... Leave the pain behind, son,” Frigga gently removed hair from his forehead. “I love you.”

Loki could not utter a word, only swallowed and squeezed her hand. Frigga rose from the bench.

“The sun is setting. There is a great coffee shop nearby, I like to spend time there. I want to treat you a tea.”

She held out her palm with a smile. Loki rose after her, unable to tear off his eyes.

White gravel rustled underfoot. They walked slowly through the park hand in hand - there was nowhere to hurry. Frigga whispered softly: “I see that you want to say something ... Do not. Just go for tea.”

“Let's go,” Loki agreed. From somewhere he knew that in this city time flows differently, and they can walk through the park as much as they like, stretching their way to the long-awaited cup of tea for many hours.

*******

Two figures, embracing, insensibly moved away, and finally disappeared out of sight, dissolving into the evening sun. Radiant shining of an old lighthouse flooded the coast with a warm light. 


End file.
